In that brilliant work by Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland, there is a scene in Chapter 3 where a problem has to be solved. Alice and the various animals have got soaking wet after falling into a large pool created by Alice’s tears. The problem they have to solve is how to get dry. And the debate goes like this:
‘Ahem!’ said the Mouse with an important air, ‘are you all ready? This is the driest thing I know. Silence all round, if you please! “William the Conqueror, whose cause was favoured by the pope, was soon submitted to by the English, who wanted leaders, and had been of late much accustomed to usurpation and conquest. Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria- -“‘
‘Ugh!’ said the Lory, with a shiver.
‘I beg your pardon!’ said the Mouse, frowning, but very politely: ‘Did you speak?’
‘Not I!’ said the Lory hastily.
‘I thought you did,’ said the Mouse. ‘ ? I proceed. “Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria, declared for him: and even Stigand, the patriotic archbishop of Canterbury, found it advisable ? “‘
‘Found what?’ said the Duck.
‘Found it,’ the Mouse replied rather crossly: ‘of course you know what “it” means.’
‘I know what “it” means well enough, when I find a thing,’ said the Duck: ‘it’s generally a frog or a worm. The question is, what did the archbishop find?’
The Mouse did not notice this question, but hurriedly went on, ‘” ? found it advisable to go with Edgar Atheling to meet William and offer him the crown. William’s conduct at first was moderate. But the insolence of his Normans ? ” How are you getting on now, my dear?’ it continued, turning to Alice as it spoke.
‘As wet as ever,’ said Alice in a melancholy tone: ‘it doesn’t seem to dry me at all.’
‘In that case,’ said the Dodo solemnly, rising to its feet, ‘I move that the meeting adjourn, for the immediate adoption of more energetic remedies ? ‘
‘Speak English!’ said the Eaglet. ‘I don’t know the meaning of half those long words, and, what’s more, I don’t believe you do either!’ And the Eaglet bent down its head to hide a smile: some of the other birds tittered audibly.
And this, dear readers, is exactly how the debates in the European Summits and the Eurogroup sound. Total irrelevance, misplaced pomposity, and, of course, they never get anywhere! For Mouse read whichever dignitary is taking the chair, either Barroso or Merkel will do, but all the others sound the same. And for the Dodo read Herman Van Rompuy. There is no mistake there.
The only trouble with the European Summit debates is that we have yet to find an Eaglet among them. Because the eaglet is the only one who is right. Not only does nobody have a clue what you are trying to say, but you yourself have no idea either!
Thank you Lewis Carroll, for helping us understand… not how the European Summits work, but why the do not.